Feeling guilty. It’s heavy. It brings in all the feelings and a lot start with “I should”. Brené Brown says there’s a big difference between guilt and shame so maybe this will help clarify:

“Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I did something bad.”

Guilt: I’m sorry. I made a mistake. 

Shame: I’m sorry. I am a mistake”

We’ve all been there with the feeling of guilt and shame. We carry the weight of should haves or should dos or we sometimes carry the weight of old wounds that leave us with a feeling of apologising for our very existence. Like we’ve always done something wrong or are always to blame. 

Guilt can be a useful feeling IF used in the context of actually doing something wrong. It nudges you to own up to a mistake or a wrong doing and then allows you to say, I am sorry. I made a mistake or I was wrong. Guilt is not meant to be a permanent feeling.

Shame “is the gremlin who says you’re never good enough. And if you can talk it out of that one, then says who do you think you are. The thing to understand about shame is it’s not guilt. Shame is a focus on self guilt”. 

So what do we do when the day to day feelings of not meeting expectations, feelings of emotional failures, I’ve let them down or I should be doing more start to drown out any loving kindness you can gift yourself with. 

Own what you’re feeling. For example:

I feel so guilty that I couldn’t be there for my mum. What is the guilt about? Do you have deeper feelings of hurt in that relationship that has added to this? Is the feeling really guilt or shame? Did you make a mistake or do you feel like you are shoulding all over yourself? Is it internal pressure to be the perfect child/partner/parent/friend? 

Or

Is there a deep feeling of not enoughness. Not good enough. Something is wrong with me. 

Healing your inner critic. Your inner wounds. Your value. Your worth. Taking self-responsibility or handing back what isn’t yours to carry. These all lend a hand in healing the guilt/shame cycle. To leave you with the ability to see the truth of what is underlying what you’re carrying. 

Next time you feel guilt or shame. Take a closer look underneath. Own what you need to, but please, set down what is also no longer yours to carry 🌻 

The other day I walked past someone I used to know many years ago … she kinda looked at me funny and it got me thinking.

Growth happens on the inside where no one can see you do it. Days or years go by and someone from your past may recognise you from the outside, but they’ll remember the you you used to be. They can’t see the growth and changes just from a quick glance. And neither can you for them.

There’s a saying “if you knew me yesterday, you don’t know me anymore. I grow daily”. While parts of us may stay the same, enough for someone to recognise us or say you haven’t changed a bit, there’ll be so much more growth that’s happened that the person they used to know, no longer exists.

We all have parts of our lives where we wish we knew what we know now. Where we may have interacted with someone in a way we never would today. So let the person you used to know look at you funny while you wave hello. Maybe your connection back then wasn’t so great? Maybe you weren’t healed enough to be present, kind, tolerant etc. Maybe they weren’t either and they’re wondering why you’re waving at them.

If you have a moment like that, send love and kindness to that version of you, to that version of them and to who you both are now. Love finds a way to make peace where words can’t always be spoken. Grace, humility and truth. Then let go so the you you’ve become and are becoming can always continue to grow.

I don’t know about you but sometimes I “have a moment”. I think we all have them. And when I have my well earned pity party (**see below) – I sometimes hear myself speak the words, I give up. Because that’s what you blurt out when you’re overcome with all the emotions at once/major event is happening/you’re menopausal/struggling/crying/life is feeling hard. It all feels too big and maybe you’re spiralling and, “it’s too hard I give up” finds it’s way past your conscious gates of wisdom.

And then maybe one of those words finds its way to the more present part of you, and you quickly catch yourself and say out loud, “I don’t give up but I sure do surrender”. Last time it happened to me I surrendered to what was and is, to all the pain I was feeling, real and imagined, and gave it my full attention. And I just sat there. And gave it a voice.

And acceptance came. Then peace. Then that feeling of being fully here, fully present, lighter and determined. Then the toolbox full of life’s wisdom shone brighter and I picked the one for that moment. And there I was. I noticed it lasted a few hours at most.. a few hours out of 24. And gently gently I treaded softly for a little while after.

I call these moments the gift of the pity party and the gift of surrender. Because neither is giving up. They are both incredible tools for navigating difficult times and finding the light on your path where you step sure footed in your life.

And for those who don’t know what a pity party is:
A pity party is where no one is invited but you. It’s a moment where you allow yourself to wallow in all your pain but, only for a moment. It’s a party after all. A start and end time so life goes back to being full of potential after it

I wish all of us moments of surrender, where we can find our inner strength and wisdom once more, to step so damn bravely into a world that can feel so damn hard at times. It helps us find those beautiful glimmers, those bountiful gifts of all the good life has to offer too.

🍂Artwork by Brendan Monroe

Many years ago I worked in a retail store and warehouse, and when stock was on its way its was called “GIT or goods-in-transit”. It showed up on the books as neither here nor there. It showed where it came from and where it was heading but it wasn’t “anywhere” at that moment. And if we were doing a stocktake, it still had value and had to be accounted for. 

See I think sometimes we are all goods in transit. Especially when consciously doing that inner work. We can feel like we’re neither here nor there, not lost per se, just not where we were and not quite where we’re heading. But we’re somewhere – here. 

Next time you’re feeling that not sure where you are stage, maybe rephrase it to  – I’m in transit. You’re travelling into your own expansiveness and that has so much value 🌟

Oh gosh what a beautiful insight into the gift of healing. This has been the most wonderful blessing for me in my own healing, and also witnessing the same for my beautiful clients.

Healing brings the gift of not reacting from a place of stored pain, anger, fear, distrust and woundedness, and instead, responding from a well of self-understanding, self-compassion and awareness.

The words you hear, including those you speak or think to yourself, take on a whole new meaning when you hear it from a place of healing not hurting.

Don’t give up. Don’t lose hope. I know healing can be hard, feel overwhelming, sometimes seem impossible. Just keep taking your next best step. It doesn’t have to be big. The smallest changes can make the biggest impacts and every single thing you do to heal those wounds, makes a difference.

Many years ago I rocked up to the door of a man who would become my mentor. And when he asked me, what are you wanting to know today? I broke down and said, everything is wrong. I am wrong. I keep screwing everything up. My marriage has failed. My health is screwed. I feel angry and scared all the time and I’m gonna stuff my child up if I don’t sort my shit out!

He looked at me and said, here’s a piece of paper I want you to write this down. “I have always done the best I could with what I knew at the time of the doing”. To which I argued no I haven’t look at my life! To which he said, tell me about your life. 

When I did, many visits and homework by me as well, I realised I was the sum of my experiences and passed down beliefs, but, if I could throw a dose of kindness and forgiveness MY way, maybe I could see that I really had done my best and always will. 

I know it’s hard to do. I know it won’t always feel true. But please, cut yourself some slack and forgive yourself for what you feel you need to and then, step forward into the new. Repeat where necessary until every cell and fibre of your being believes it’s true. It’s worth it. 

You are worth it. 

**if you are a person who has lived through abuse or trauma, I am NOT suggesting you can apply this toward your abuser. I personally have not forgiven my abuser and that was part of my healing! I’m talking about your own healing. Because you deserve to be free of the pain you carry**

#lettinggo #youareworthit